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03 May 2010 @ 08:19 pm
Shay squats in an abandoned office building.  There are others who squat here, but they mostly leave her alon, and

she keeps to herself for the most part.  she's been here a month.  how did she end up here?  with a father who is a

government contracted doctor of sorts, or her divorced mother who owns a used book an nick nack shop, she had a

choice between them didn't she?  at first she decided to live with her father.  He sort of doted on her.  Her mother

accused him of using her as a guinea pig, but shay didn't see it like that.  Not at the time of course.  He saw her
19 June 2008 @ 09:45 pm

1.  i began working at sicilias when i was eighteen, two weeks later i turned nineteen.  it was january.  theres joey, jordan and tim.  then steph the x returns and Yalena.  let me mention ashleigh.  i met leonard that spring. he told me about a dream he had.

I am Miguel.  Jimmy is my business associate.  Gramma Donna and my mom, Katie-Rose, are who I live with.  I work at Sicilia's, Esther is my boss, and Tim is a waiter and old friend of mine.  The kids that lived on my block looked up to me.


I was trashed when I got the job waiting tables at Sicilia's.  We were all just hangin out after some show or something, went for som grub and more beers, lloking for more people or meeting up with them, i'm not sure which because it doesn't really even matter and the lady who manges the place was waiting on our table and looking at me with those ogly eyes and I needed to raise money and Tim was already working here so I asked for a job.  She jumped and hopped like a ninety year old bunny trying to find an application for me but was fresh out.  She handed me a paper menu placemat and told me to put all my information on it.  I did and was hired on the spot.

 It was january, my birthday was in two weeks.  I'd be nineteen real soon.  I was living with my mom and we lived with her mom, Gramma Donna.  The kids on the block looked up to me like I was a golden god.  They loved the cars I drove all the time, or the bike I was working on.  I usually have 2 or 3 cars at a time.

Jimmy showed me a picture of the Audi S4 and that was it for me.  No it was no dodge viper, but I was dead set on owning one ASAP, and that meant cash.  So getting this job at Sicilia's was a key feature, and going into business with Jimmy was the other side of the kicker.

Dealing drugs and guns is a bad idea, and I do not reccomend it.  but there's money in it.  i bought my self a 9mm off the street and a safe to keep in my room to store all my cash and weapon in.  And my recreational stuff as well as my merchandise.  Everytime I pushed a button to put in the code it would make a beep, and my mom with her sonic hearing would always shout some incriminating comment like, what the hell are you hiding.  It was the same with my electric guitar.  My parents bought it for me as christmas gift, so youd think they would be pleased that I was using it since they wasted so much money on me.  But no, mom always had to yell that I was making too much noise.  I would even take the god damn plug out and play it with no electricity.  Too much noise! What the hell!

so i'm loud and up to no good, and mom is no slouch when I'm doing something criminal, or destructive generally.  the destructive part I really have no control over. no really.  if i touch something it breaks.  if its broken, i can put it back together.  but there is always the danger that I will break it in the process.  but there is always the possibility that i will get fed up and smash it against the wall.  there is also a chance that it will be fixed as a result.  this is how i learned to work on cars.  and drive them, they have to be noisy; i'd sooner burn rubber than honk my horn.  a quiet engine can be compensated by extensive speed.  Beretta's are my number one.  I always like to have one on hand if for no other purpose than to smash up or tear apart generally.  I've gotten into some pretty bad accidents.  there's the time I drove a berretta off a cliff.  There's the dirt bike accident I got into.  Not that one things got anything to do with the other, but My hearing is kinda shot as a result of head injuries.  I've got a plate of metal in my face, so i'm already part cyborg.  I hate robots, and aliens even more, and don't even get me started about the penguins.


Excerpt from Leon's Book of Dreams.

I'm sitting on my bed, in my dorm at college, in Denver. 1*

*I've only gone to college and had a dorm at RIC-- where I met Marianna. When this dream takes place, I am living in Denver.

I am reading a book and a girl's hand touches my knee, and I recognize it. I look up and it is Marianna. Surprise! I am shocked because the last time I saw her she was working at the RISD book store. She explains to me that she came to visit her boyfriend in Denver and that while she is here she thought she would visit me. I remember when I last saw her she wanted nothing to do with me.

My friends are in the room. I have had my back to them, because I was in the middle of reading my homework, and they are playing that role playing game "Shadow Run." I recognize Kris, who introduced me to the game, and a couple of others, but there is at least one older man whom I do not recognize. I tell them I am going for a walk and will be back later. Marianna and I exit.

We head down a hall talking things over, catching up generally.

There is an exit, leading to metal stairs, and we are at the top. We continue our walk and descend the steps. Marianna comments on my Nike sandals 2*

*which I currently own at the time of this dream

and she laughs because they honestly are out of character for me in various ways. We stop half way down and sit on the steps. Slightly below is a crowd of people sitting at outside tables with umbrellas. evening is approaching. I notice near me on a step is a baby's sandal. I pick it up and show it to Marianna. A man comments to me that the shoe belongs to his baby so I give it to him. Marianna and I continue down the steps and keep walking and talking.

Eventually, as her time to be free is running short, we head back to my premises. It is now a large old house dimly furnished with no less than two floors. We make it up to the second floor. she needs to get her portfolio and does. Then she realises how late it is and rushes out.

I turn around and Marianna is gone. She never says good bye. I run out the door and look up and down the steet for a clue as to where she has gone. Nothing. I at least wanted to hug her.

And I wake up.

This dream compels me to move back home, to find Marianna and finish my education.

3. at the end of the following summer we actually started becoming friends. He was living on America street and told me more about the Marianna reemergence in his life. (everything before the crossed wires.) He tells about Peter, Ben, Eva and Lauren. Marianna, Marianna, Marianna...


September. Leon starts showing up at Sicilia's rather regularly. He's been working at Pane e Vino for about a month, the restraunt that is about a block down the street from Sicilias. He comes by at night after work, weekends during the day some times and weekends at night most of the time. He ends up meeting the Johnson and Whales kids that hang out there, and Hal, an old school friend of mine from the Metcalf gang. i end up- meeting his room mate Peter, they come and play chess, drink beer, smoke cigarettes and eat the pizza refrered to as the food of the gods.

I don't know that I ever met Ben at Scilia's, but Leon tells me the story of his dream, followed by his arrival in RI. He had mailed a ton of shit to his friend Ben, and was picked up at the bus stop by him when he arrived the day of the new moon that May 2003. Ben and he had indian food, and drove by an art supply shop on wickenden st because Ben had claimed to have seen Marianna there.

Ben lived on Broadway on Federal Hill, so that is where Leon spent his first (couple? of) weeks back in RI, sleeping on an air mattress surrounded by piles of dusty old books and a shrine to Mira Bahba. don't ask.

Here is the story of Marianna's surprise visit from Leon.

Followed by their meeting at the book store.

The walk from Utrecht to near Marianna's home.

the other book store, and the book she got him.

His birthday pen. Their drinks at Re Ra. And Rusty's discovery of them.

later he tells of the week he spent at his sister's in NK, and the sociopath boyfriend of hers who kinda sorta got him some work during his time there. that didn't work out.

The telephone call to Marianna that Leon's sister, Mathilda, made to Marianna.

then he stays briefly with Peter on Thayer St. then the interesting story of Eva and Lauren. He ends up moving in with them for a month.

Marianna calls and there are threats involving Rusty.

that insanity didn't last, so he secretly stayed at Peter's.

Secret rendevous with Marianna.

Marianna has to go. Her last gift.

followed by a 4th of July at his sisters

followed by an attack from the sociopath.

America St. -

Crossed wires

Last Call (when she says she does not care and he actually believes her)

18 June 2008 @ 01:22 pm
18 June 2008 @ 11:19 am
I don't know what else to do.  I still wake up covered in happiness, like a morning blanket, but I can't stay all snuggled up in dreams.  Life goes on.  In the silence that has followed, I remember how you told me never to go away again.  I thought I knew why you were saying this to me.  I remember how you told me you would be sad on that day, and I thought I understood.  I did not know that you would be shutting me out without a word from yourself.  I did not know you would withdraw almost conclusively.

I am left with terrible riddles I don't even want to answer.  Nothing changes for me.  I am still going to go about my plan to be ever more closer to you.  I think of you constantly.  I wonder about you and your plans to make your life better than it already is.  My own family and families, my own spirit, is better off having been returned to you; if even only for that moment.  But the silences and distances are not new to us.  I will not abandon the doors of communication.  Not to you.  Not again.  Door ways are two way.  Mine remains forever open to you.  An invitation.  A welcome.

I'm going to work on my book now.  I will be writing to you often.  I even have internet access at home, which I did not have when I left.

I miss you.
02 June 2008 @ 04:54 pm
02 June 2008 @ 03:01 pm

 Dear Jolene,

When I was trying to fall asleep last night, I realised that I do not sleep.  Out of eight hours of rest, I do not need to be unconcious for the whole duration, I just need to be immobile, generally comfortable, and in the dark, but since I am awake, I need sound, and I do not mind the light of the TV-- if I do, I just turn my head away, or cover my face with a blanket.  I remembered sleeping with you in Holyoke, MA, and playing with your dreams:  we had discussed how cute you found it when a cat walks on you when you are lying down-- so I used my finger tips to press gently against you in your sleep and you later woke to tell me you dreamt of a cat walking on you, and something about a piano being dragged (but the piano part is confusing to me, because that also fits the description of Dali's motion picture, Un Chien Andeluge).  I tried to think about the adventure I'm going on to Nebraska, but then recalled that I am actually going to Missouri-- and that was the name of our kitten in Holyoke! 

Not to be too, foolish-- of course I know I need sleep!  Nevertheless, I lay there awake so long, that I do not necessarily need to be entirely unconcious the entire time.  I was thinking of the movie the Professional, where Leon tells Mathilda, "I never really sleep.  I always have one eye open."  That makes me think of being a child and how I always practiced laying still with one eye lid partially ajar-- in case the mother was swooping by who might catch me with a flashlight and a book under the sheets; I was going to be awake anyway, why not read, right!  

Then I got to thinking of how I am the villain.  I mean, I love stories, and super heroes, but I always had a demanding respect for the villain.  The best villain, afterall, is truly trying to be a good person, justified in righteousness.  "For the Greater Good", right?  

Leon wasn't the villain, though.  He was an asassin, but his nemesis was the truly horrible person perfectly indifferent to righteousness.  These thoughts came to me while listening to the movies of "The Way of the Gun" and "Boon Dock Saints".

But it was the thoughts of the movie "Unbreakable" that stirred in me the most.

The Villain was only wrong because he was trying to figure out who he was.  By the end of the story he says, "You know what the most terrorfying thing is?  Its not knowing who you are.
          "Now that we know who you are, we know who I am.  
          "I should have known all along!  You know why?  Because of the kids....

          "They called me Mr. Glass."

           In our story I feel bad because I was always the sought after villain-- the most selfish in the relationship.  And now, you being married and all puts me right smack dab in the middle of being wrong.  But there is one thing about the story of "Unbreakable", the protagonist woke up every morning with a great sadness.  He was married and distanced himself from his wife and child.  When Mr. Glass found him, Mr. Glass had an answer, "Maybe its because you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing."

          I think of your marriage and I think of Russell-- so if you, Russell, are reading this, I know I am not the villain-- your husband is not doing what he is supposed to be doing.   And that's entirely due to the fact that he thinks otherwise.

          Waking up in the morning is generally the happiest, most lifting experience of my day.  As a child, I never wanted to fall asleep, and when I woke up, I just wanted to remain awake.  If I accidentally slept in, I would be filled with a disappointment-- I missed an hour of being AWAKE!  Now, I am just anxious to hear your voice, for the briefest minutes that we can have.  And if I wake up early like I wish, I have to wait...

          And in the words of Inigo Montoya, "I hate waiting."

I Love You, Jolene-Marie.  We will be together at last.

31 May 2008 @ 11:44 am
got up early today.  cleaned up my room, the kitchen, showered, made breakfast smoothies, packed a lunch for school on this saturday and called You at 839 am.  Probably too early.  Tried again around 1011 and still no answer.  1148 now....
Before I left I began some writing, and I was also thinking of writing You about everything I know about You in my life.  I noted that at 845 I was actually MOTIVATED, in a 'good' mood and holding onto the inspiration of 'speeding things up'.  I did not exactly slow down till about 10 something in the AM.  At 845 I left the house, went to my car at Grammas, and walked to RIC reading Sweeney Todd, the Real Story of the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  I got through the preface and 30 pages.  I read some sitting outside RICs library, in the distance were the sounds of a Softball game.  The library opened at 11 and I finally was allowed in.  While I was sitting on the steps reading, my bottle of water spilled and got all over my pants!
I described the weather at 845 as such, "clouds on the move, dark and white, sun smiles in and out."  1029 "More darker clouds, still some sun-- a bit chillier."  and at 1141, "Looks like wind picked up."
My mood dropped around 11something because a friend I thought I found on My Space did not recognise me.  Sucks.
It is 1258 and about time to go.  My walk is 1hr and 1/2 long, about 3-4 miles and I risk the rain.  The weather men said it was supposed to storm, so any writing I do will have to be at home.